jesus christ vampire hunter

yesterday i was over a friend's house and seeing as how we've had enough of virtual trivia games and jeopardy-- obviously the only solution to our post trivia game boredom would be to watch Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter .

when i saw the poster of the film i had a lot of expectations.



the poster has jesus, a lucha libre wrestler, and a girl in a red jumpsuit-- and some vampires in the bottom. from this poster, i gathered that this was going to be a harmless, over-the-top, gory, ridiculous flick about vampires, jesus, and mexican wrestler. well it could have been all those things, but it shy'd away from that concept.

the plot is that jesus is back on earth spreading the word. but these group of vampires are walking around... IN THE DAYLIGHT!!!! (btw, i think the only reason they have this concept is because the camera they were using probably did not shoot well at night... even though there were a limited amount of scenes in the dark) when a couple of goth-looking vampire chicks kill two of Jesus' most trusted disciples/priests, he decides to go all badass and start beating the shit out of them. he cuts his hair, shaves his cool hipster goatee, and sports some fly earrings-- and he's off to slay some vampires. with the help of his cool, slick, and attractive sleaze, Mary Magnum-- along with his trusted friend Santos (that's the Mexican wrestler if you didn't put two and two together)... they pretty much kick ass in the worst way.

there are moments throughout the movie where it tries to transcend genres-- like the musical scene? i mean it was an ambitious scene but it was pretty much a total farce. and there's the fight scenes. you kind of have to appreciate the low-budget aspect of the film... if you can do that, then you can enjoy the campiness of it. here's my favorite fight scene:



obviously treading matrix territory with everyone dressed in black and the cool and annoying techno music.

the only problem i had with this movie is that it didn't take advantage of its concept. obviously-- this is a stupid concept... why not embrace the concept by making it as over-the-top as possible? don't get me wrong-- there are scenes that are pretty over-the-top-- like when Santos throws a ton of tooth picks at a night club... of course all the tooth picks slay a couple of vampires. or when Jesus drinks some beer, blesses it, drinks it again, and spits it out in some vampire's face. but there could've been more blood. there could've been more corny lines. there could've been more blood, really-- just put a lot more gore and this movie will become the ultimate cult film... though it already is.

overall it was an okay movie. there's a scene where mary magnum was driving a motorcross bike where i got confused. there's lots of lesbians in the movie. and it made me realize that canada is full of unattractive people. i give it 3/5 in the corniness meter.

i think what saved the film from being downright bad, rather than novelty bad, is the sound quality of it. a lot of the actors' voices are not in sync... and sometimes i could not hear what they said.

just add this to your netflix queue, ok?