well this week’s edition of cult movie review, i watched Robo Vampire (1988).
to explain the plot of robo vampire is to explain the complexities of the space-time continuum... it seems almost impossible.
but i’ll give it a try thanks to my film analytical skills.
the movie is set in... i don’t know-- Vietnam? the Phillipines?
A drug cartel is in cooperation with Asian vampires, using their coffins as a means for transporting heroin to the West. With the help of some asian witch doctor, two white dudes (one of them wearing a t-shirt that says "Racing"), and the head vampire in a gorilla costume--they are able to expand their market to the United States.
A couple of things you should know about the vampires. First off, they’re Asian, second off they walk around in the daylight (?), and third-- they hop. Yeah, they don’t walk... they hop around as if they were on pogo sticks yet they’re not on pogo sticks. Here’s a clip of them hopping along with an appearance of the robocop, whom i have not started talking about as of yet:
ridiculous.
back to the plot. by the way, i’m still not 100% on the plot but i’ll give it a go anyway.
this group of people build a robot cop-- very much like robocop except shittier and with a poorly placed chin strap. Don’t be fooled by the poster of the film-- as you saw in the clip, Robocop does not actually star in the film. A pair of assholes thought it would be cool to put the real robocop in the cover of the film to give the illusion that you’re watching a prequel and/or sequel of the robocop movie.
the robot cop pretty much goes after the cartel.
but then these other people go after the cartel they’re trying to kill them as well as save these chicks that were kidnapped and raped.
This subplot involving this group infiltrating the cartel really has no relevance to the robocop plot-- it’s really just a useless subplot... and by useless i mean more scenes with shitty dubbed dialogue, sound effects, and gun battles.
Then there’s this ghost who is in love with the leader vampire gorilla.
so by the end of the film, the robocop is after the vampire clan. and... fuck this plot is hard to follow. i wonder why?
oh i know-- it’s because there’s two different films spliced into one.
Yeah. the director actually put clips from two different films to somehow make it coherent... well it failed at that since i’m totally confused by the plot.
but it doesn’t fucking matter. what matters is that you’ll enjoy this movie only for the pure ridiculousness of it. every scene is a funny scene. there’s no fucking way you won’t laugh at this true gem.
here’s another clip for you to sink your teeth into (see what i did there?):
so if you’re not busy-- just go to your local shitty vhs rental store and find robo vampire. you don’t even have to be drunk. stay sober and you’ll laugh.
btw-- i played smash brothers Brawl. i’ll fucking destroy you with snake.
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