this weekend i queued up Time Chasers... well actually, it was the Mystery Science Theater 3000 shitting on Time Chasers-- but it’s all relative... I technically watched the whole film, along with some commentary from a couple of robots and a comical genius.
Okay... so just from looking at the poster, what can you gather from what you could be watching in the subsequent future? Well, you have a large picture of a man’s face squinting. A Castelton T-shirt wearing, mullet sporting protagonist holding a gun as if he was some kind of rent-a-cop. A plane that seems to be coming out of a cheap Microsoft Word clip art of an explosion. An outer space background... which confuses me because no where in this film does anyone travel to outer space... there aren’t even any scenes during the night time, where you would see stars.
and then the tagline:
"His mission is to save the future. But time waits for no man..."
Yes... that is right-- time does not wait for any man. Man, I’m thinking about this tagline now and all i can think of is how this might just be the best piece of writing throughout the entire duration of the film-- and it’s not even spoken during it.
I guess I can stop my ranting for just a second and attempt to explain the film.
This guy with a mullet and large eyeglasses has created a time machine out of a private airplane. He lives alone and fakes a news story about his grandma skydiving for the first time. So this idiot journalist girl and this idiot mustachio’d idiot, who works for some corporation (which to my knowledge, specializes in nothing), go for the plane ride... but WAIT. There’s no grandma... he’s giving them a test ride on his time travel plane which enters some kind of green thumbprint-looking vortex that transports to the future-- 2041 to be exact.
2041 looks pretty much like 1981. People in neon and scooters. The only thing that could remotely be considered something from 2041 would be a town sign that says "the year 2041"... i’m not even kidding.
here’s a trailer for the new anniversary edition of Time Chasers:
that’s a gem right there.
Anyway... the plot gets dumber when the mullet wearing idiot signs a contract with the corporation to help, i don’t know, create more time machines? the villain of the film is the evil idiot CEO who uses the time machine for evil. man, i would’ve never though that an evil CEO would use a time machine for evil... that sounds preposterous, right?
The plot gets thicker when the mullet sporting idiot takes the idiot journalist out on a date in the time machine... where they travel to 2041 to have some lunch at a local town mall food court. except when they get there, it’s a dystopian wasteland... at least that’s what it looks like from the nintendo-like graphics of some computer on the plane.
They almost get shot by vagabonds and criminals/civilians... but they come back and confront the evil idiot CEO about the future. To their surprise, the idiot CEO already knew about the future... it’s what he wanted. So now the time machinist and the journalist go back in time to stop themselves from making the time machine.
this is the point where the movie makes no sense whatsoever... and in no point during the writing of the film did someone reasses the logic of what the fuck they are actually putting down on paper.
well they’re in the past now and they’re trying to stop themselves... but then the journalist dies. Now, mullet wearing idiot has to find himself and stop himself... but wait, the Evil CEO has come from the future and kidnapped the present day mullet idiot and journalist idiot, and has taken them to-- wait for it-- Revolutionary War America.
They land in the middle of a battle. The Minutemen actually are not surprised or even creeped to see these people from the future wearing different clothes and sporting some ridiculous haircuts. To say the least, the climax ends in this little section of the film during the war. The protagonist dies... but we still have the other version of the mullet idiot from the present. So everyone is alive except for the Evil idiot CEO who was killed through death by falling plane.
Once he gets back to the present... everything is fine. Nothing has changed.
WHAT THE FUCK?! Nothing has changed?!
Do they not realize that they have totally fucked with the space time continuum. People from the Revolutionary War gazed at people from the future. The EVIL CEO brought a present day fire-arm from the future and no one even brought it back when they went back to the future (ha.) So... if we’re following regular logic... wouldn’t that mean that someone got their hands on that fire-arm and suddenly used it. They literally just changed the future.
But no. This is Time Chasers. Logic does not matter. the only thing that matters is that your idiot mullet-sporting protagonist is alive... which to me is the worst part of the film.
here’s another clip with some great 90’s synth music:
I’m shitting on this film too much. It really is this bad... but it’s definitely enjoyable. But sometimes the movie just gets incredibly bad... and then sometimes it’s so bad that it takes too much energy to shit on it.
I give it 4 1/2 stars out of 5.
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